October 16, 2010

I Finally Matter (Part Two)


Then the girl took her game and spear. Later the girl took me apart and made me into a knife. She used me to cut her game and other materials. She put me away in her sheath. I’ll wait forever to be used and loved by you.

She often takes me with her, as a knife or spear. I kill her prey, and cut her weeds. She at times sharpens me. All things were at peace and life was pleasant.

I heard her speak to that other familiar voice words of things I little understand. The voice says, “Aw my sweet, at last all preparations are ready. Now we can feast for our matrimony.” Matrimony? What could this mean? The voice spoke again, “You won’t need to hunt anymore or hurt yourself, I’ll provide for you.” No! No hunt means no spear; no need for me. I beg you please don’t leave me! “You can get rid of that worthless spear now.” The girl spoke “Are you crazy? I love this spear, it’s the reason I’ve survived so long. Darling how could you ask that? I will never part it.” “The spear has no concern of your feelings. It’s disposable, but fine keep your silly little spear. But you won’t be hunting with it.” Damn you, voice of the unknown. I gave her more game than you can. I was there, always there! She wants me more than you.

Then the girl says, “Then I shall make it into fine jewelry and I will wear it around my neck.” I thought I wasn’t beautiful enough to be jewelry. I am loved and I am beautiful; why don’t I believe this then? After they finish speaking the voice of the unknown vanishes. The girl makes me into her necklace. At that moment I felt proud and loved no matter what mysterious voices dare intervene.

Occasionally she takes me off and puts me back on near her heart. I imagine the feelings she has for me. At times she seems distressed by other shrill, childish voices, and at times relaxed and content by the voice of the unknown. As long as the unknown voices do not harm her and keep her happy, I am happy.

She adds more onto me, other gems and bones. She wears me differently now but I still like to think that I am around her heart. Her beautifully, alive beating heart that dances to Rhythm’s dance.

Time and I aren’t well known to each other. The only way I know time is when I change or move. And on rare occasions, the world changes around me. I didn’t know much about the girl, but I begin to think what would I do without her.

Only Everything speaks without reason, maybe when that day comes she’ll tell me. It feels as if I’ve been in love so long. I wonder how time has aged the girl and if she will die in the state of being a girl or evolve into something else.

Over time I’ve noticed a slight change in her voice. I now begin to think time was moving again.
I hope time does no harm to the girl and that she lives as long as I exist. But perhaps this is my naivety.

The girl sounds frail and fragile. She seems worn all most sickly as if in a half dead state. I hear her cough and mourn. After she mourned I hear the voice of the unknown speak. “I know, my sweet I know clearly more than I can remember our childrens’ name that my life is coming to an end. Death has sent his tides and tries, and at last got a grip of me. All ends spell death upon them. Please mourn not for me. Please burry me near the dead lake.”
Death? Again this term comes to mind. The voice of the unknowns is dead. Should I rejoice over this or mourn for the loss of the old girl? I hear her cry subsequently and now on a frequent basis.

More voices come, the voice of the shrill childish creatures, though they sound more mature and some very low. They come for things and they take many spears with them. One of them speaks with a voice like the young girl, “Greetings mother, sorry we have been away so long. I was learning and studying hard. My fiancĂ© has been hunting for me. I was wondering if we can take some of your old stuff and things from your dowry, like your necklace. It would mean a lot to me if I could have it please.” No, not another voice trying to take me away from my love, please refuse!

The old girl speaks, “I can’t or at least not when I’m alive. You can take it from me when I am dead. It will be my gift to you. I’m sorry but this rock and I have too many good memories. Looking at it reminds me of my love.” I knew you never leave me or let them take me. I love you! I love you! I can’t help but love you!

The young girl’s voice vanishes as I hear her walk away. All the mature, once shrill childish voices leave after her with the old girl’s stuff. Now all was silent in the home of the old girl.

Now and then I hear her speak aloud as if to no one. It’s amazing now that with all this silence I can look back at all that happened as what the old girl called “good memories.” I loved all those hunts and game cutting, and especially being worn around her neck near her heart.

Of course silence is only temporary. I begin to hear the old girl cough again but so sickly like never before. I begin to fear her coughs as an omen to her end. I wish we could just return to our silence.

Time is working again. This illness came so quick and so unseen but if I know All things well enough I know that her illness will come to an end.

The old girl keeps coughing and sneezing of course till one day. I imagine it as sunset, the light fades into darkness. I feel as if her sick days are over. I am rejoiced. Now I’ll just wait to hear her lovely voice again.

Nothing comes and Nothing happens. Nothing tells me some things about the old girl’s soul. I do not understand so I will simply disregard it. But I can’t help but think he was trying to hint me something.

Silence was constant like when I was under the sea. I wonder was all that just a fantasy. Am I really loved by no one? Please not be true. Oh, how devastating this is! It’s all a lie! “Oh my goodness, mother, are you alright?” “She’s not breathing and she’s terribly cold.” “No, why did this happen while we were gone.” “We should have stayed here or brought her to live with us. No one of this age should have lived alone so long.” “It looks like she’s been dead for a while.” Dead? Please tell me the old girl isn’t dead already. So it wasn’t a dream it was all real and now it’s over. Why’d it end so soon?

“Didn’t mother said when she died you could have her necklace?” “Yes! I’ll keep it safe forever.” No I want to stay with her body. I don’t want to be worn by anyone else, please leave me here. You are making this transaction worse! “We should burry her next to father.” “Hmm maybe we should keep the necklace on her.” “No! She told, promised, me I could have it when she would die. She’s dead now, so it’s mine!”

Damn I wish I had eyes to see her. I only know she’s there by the mature shrill childish voices. I hope the young girl doesn’t take me. Let me die with my love All things, please I’d rather exist no more than suffer this.

What is this beating? Is it the old girl! No, I can’t live in such lies. She’s dead for good. Ha. This heart beat isn’t as lovely as in fact it’s a total different rhythm, one I could never love. It’s probably the horrid heart beat of the young girl. I’d wish I knew how such a beautiful soul such as the old girl engendered a selfish being like the young girl. Well at least I have memories and the young girl will get old and die as well. And then I will be free. If I can’t be with the old girl then I will be alone, just as it began.

I wonder where the old girl is. Not her corporal self but her divine self. I know enough that souls are not harmed when the body dies. I like to imagine the old girl as lovely as when she was young, ascending from her body; glorious light around her, innocence and beauty just as when we first met. I hope she is indulged with love and is surrounded by love. I’d give her everything I have but sadly I have nothing.

At times I hear the young girl speak and sing; nothing as beautiful compared to the old girl. I long for her voice, and as time goes on and the more I hear the young girl’s voice, the more I forget the old girl’s voice. I don’t want my love to be replaced by a selfish evil. I wish she stopped speaking her nonsense all together but I am not in control of what I hear or even feel.

Time moves so slow with the young girl, slower than with the old girl. I hate all the slow motion and repetition of annoyances. Maybe I can live in my memories till the young girl is good and dead. O my sweet lovely memories.

I haven’t heard from Mother Earth, or the sea and the sky. Why have they all been so silent? Or maybe I haven’t been listening. I dissolve myself into silence and wait not to hear the mature childish shrill voices but the elements. I want to know if my pain is almost over.

Dreaded silence like when I was under the sea and after the voices left, and when the old girl died. Why can’t this be pleasurable? Why is it that I am afraid of silence now? This is strange, but maybe it’s because of all that was before the silence; all the trauma.

I hear new voices now, just like the voice of the unknown, and the other mature low voices return to talk to the young girl. They leave and seem very happy. It wasn’t long till I expected to hear very young vociferous voices that were shrill and crying often.

These voices stop crying and started to speak the voice of the young girl. These voices mature, some become low like the old girl’s children while others are beautiful singers.

One voice speaks, “Mom, oh what a pretty necklace!” For some strange reason I feel suspicious. “Yes thank you darling. My mother, your grandmother gave it to me, as her death gift.” Hearing this depresses me. “When I grow up can I have it?” “Of course, it’s lucky too. I met your father in this necklace.” I feel a changed heart towards the young girl, perhaps she isn’t that bad.

“I have a skipping stone contest against the other kids. Can I wear your lucky necklace?” “I’ll think about it. When is the contest?” “Tomorrow,” said the young girl’s child. “Remind me to give it to you in the morning.” “Yeah!”

Oh no, If I fall into the hands of another person I could be lost and be even further away from the old girl. I take back my revocation; the young girl is a selfish evil. I do not know the duration between now and morning. I hope it takes forever.

“It’s morning Mom!” Damn, I just was about to reminisce. Apparently time and I aren’t familiar. “Here you go darling.” “Thanks Mom!” I can assume now that I am around the neck of another. I am starting to think that this cycle will continue till the end.

I can hear the boisterous joyous shrill playful voices and the sound of helpless rocks being hurtled into the sea. The sound echoes as the disturbed water retreats and harmonizes.

The little voices cheer and yelp. I hear a voice speak, “That’s a pretty necklace.” “Thank you, it belonged to my grandmother, who gave it to my mother and now me,” replied the young girl’s daughter. “I want it.” “No me!” “Give it!” Many distinct voices argued and screamed. “No give it back, that means a lot to my mother,” pleaded the young girl’s child.

“If I can’t have it than you can’t either!” I heard the sound of another rock disturb the water. The sound of swimming frighten creatures was all I could hear subsequent. The voices of the children faded away. The last voice I could hear was the young girl’s daughter, “Oh no, how am I going to explain this to Mom? How do I get it from the under the lake? It’s that stupid boy’s fault!”

Silence returned, though I had not noticed when it did. I thought I was waiting for something new to occur though everything beyond this point was nothing new. I waited for ages for the young girl to find me though she did not yet. Little frighten creatures returned and subsequently perpetually died. Occasionally I heard unfamiliar voices from above.

As I waited for the young girl’s child the silence was so much that Nothing appeared after a long absence. “Is that you Nothing? Have you returned?” Nothing said “Yes, I have been away doing what Nothing does. You know you are at the bottom of the lake.” “I know; it was the deed of the young girl’s daughter. So this is it. Hopeless, stuck forever at the bottom of a lake away from my love.” “No, you still have a long way to go.” “A long way to go? What more can one do? I have been loved, reborn, and deserted. I have been handled by many different entities. You still say there is a long way to go. Is my time here without end?” “Do not cry, Nothing will comfort you. But what I will tell you, you haven’t seen anything yet.” “No one has seen your sister, she lives in All things.” “How would you know that she never left as far as we know anything doesn’t exist.” “Then how can I ever see anything?” “I can’t, but if Nothing can’t and Everything can’t then you can. You aren’t bound by classes of All things or by what we have. You can choose when you have seen it all or have much to see. Do you want your journey to end here?” “I’m not sure” “I can’t convince this for you anything.” “I believe in All thing’s Clock. I believe all will get better. I will stay in this reality till its complete.”

“You have a lot of Nothing a waiting you. I will come back many a time,” said Nothing. So I remember the story the Earth Mother, who is my purpose. I have forgotten. With no intervention with the outside world, leaves the lake of time. As time goes on the lake dries, the animals die, and the once sharp edges I had have been smoothed down by the Sea god.

Now I am truly the meaningless rock from under the sea. I am to small to be further smoothed down. I am not pretty or symbolic enough to be worn. I am forgotten under other sentiments. Nothing will want me now. But who cares for what Nothing wants!

I would imagine this time as the new dawn of a dark night I have faced. A low unfamiliar voice got closer to me. This voice speaks of ancestors. This voice speaks of me. “Nadir, look at this,” says the low voice. “Oh my Goodness! It’s, it’s -” “Amazing, I know. This has to be a part of our collection.” “Forget the collection this should be famous, this should be taught in schools, to the world!” “We have to come back here.”

The strange voices faded away. No time passes, suddenly the sound of steps approach. Many steps with many different voices, the low voice sounds cheerful while the other voice called Nadir sounds serious. Several unfamiliar voices seem to hover above me speaking of me.

“What an amazing find! Well done Charles and Nadir! This will complete the exhibit nicely.” “You’re welcome sir!”

I feel the cold hands of sir grasp me moving closer to his voice. Am I to be loved again? Will sir take care of me? Sir’s breathing fades he releases me from his hands. I feel the cold solid bottom of an unknown object. The sound of an intricate metal clips clicking into place. No, this was not the dawn I longed for; this was forever night without any light touching me. I feel I am without anything; so far away from the truth.

What does Nothing have in store for me? What has he wanted me so much for? Are these entities the last of all the entities to be live?

Little time passes, the sound of voices appear as I pass from one to another. I feel the light break through as the sound of the intricate metals unclick and release. The warm hands grab me and pull me out onto another surface.

“Pass me the brush. No, the other brush, the really soft one made for delicate artifacts,” said a low voice.

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