September 18, 2010

I Finally Matter (Part One)

I Finally Matter
by Jalia Hubbard

In a world of sky and sea, there was Earth. Earth created the sea who over whelmed her. She drowned under the Sea’s oppression. Over time the sea wore her away.
I am but a meaningless rock; a fractal of the Mother Earth. I too wear away from the ocean. Era upon Era erodes the Mother Earth, but then the ocean spoke to the Earth.
“Earth Mother I know how strong you are, I know there are parts of you I cannot wear away. Those things that are so abysmal I can’t fathom degrading. I will respect your deepest floors. I shall not erode them!”

Mother Earth knew this was a lie. So much abuse filled her with rage. At the core of her heart she erupted forth lava to the Sea. So he could feel her burn, and hurt like she does. The ocean was vast though; he cools her anger and reminds her she is under him.
I was made out of rage; this age old chaos and rage; which began with the universe which was first understood with the soul, incarnated into the sun, who later gave Earth her rage. Fiery passions have cooled though, she rests beneath the sea. I am the story of Eras, the story of Internal Eternal rage.

I am the meaningless rock beneath the sea. I have no purpose, I have no feelings. I feel not because I wanted to, I feel not for none have any to feel. I don’t want, I just am. I never chose to exist therefore I don’t choose why.

Time passes and so much Earth is gone, only her hard core is left. But now she has broken free to the sky and only some of her is exposed and free. I’m now exposed to this new sea called sky. He too is just as blue, but more light at heart.

He is to gentle to hurt Mother Earth and therefore rests upon her chest, vibrating with the pulse of the land. I am to upon this chest of Earth. I was once upon the sea. I thought the sea wanted me for he sends his tides and tries to pull me back to him, but I am too heavy.
A long time passes and though nothing is done. It is cold now; Ages of Ice recede and grow. Then Mother Earth told me of the Sea and Sky. The two were bored with only themselves and Earth; hence they made a game; to construct a mobile automatic embodiment for the souls. Who have long been eager to enter the Order. Ones not like the original dwellers, ones who needed the sea and sky.

After many times they failed; their creations were unstable. The sea and sky went to Earth; she would only help them if the beings would be hers. They agreed. They took the two oceans and bound them together with Earth. Inside each cell there would be sea, sky, and Earth.
Stable organic beings were at last made. Though Sea and Sky tricked Earth; her beings were not everlasting like me. Nobody knew until the first cell died. This greatly hurt Mother. The soul however was not harmed and simply ascended from the dead body. Earth made another cell. She knew it would die but she wanted them to be able to live. She gave them the ability of reproduction. She knew the story of All things; who split herself in two to create Nothing and Everything and who could never see her creations. So the cells could now split themselves in two and create two daughters who could do the same. To me these beings were like gods; new and exciting.

Now I too wanted to be alive! I wanted to need, to survive, and to die…But I cannot. Even if I could not be alive I wanted to do something. Eras pass and the sky and sea grow bored with the cells.

Earth Mother protected her cells. The sea and sky tried many times to destroy them for amusement. But the Earth Mother called upon her daughter Moon. The moon, who loved the life on Earth, would gladly bombard herself to protect Earth. The sky gave up and halted his assaults on Earth. The Sea however did not. He instead took some of Earth Mother’s minerals, and called Nothing in space; Nothing broke the sequence and mutated the cells into a new species.

Earth Mother was too pleased, so pleased she thanked the sky and sea. The souls rejoiced to this new opportunity. Earth Mother had an idea, she called upon the dwellers.
The dwellers took control of the cells and begun to diversify them. Evolving plants first, then Fungi. The preexistent cells became simple life forms not yet defined.
Earth Mother told me no more of this story. Every now and then the dwellers would come back to observe their creations. They called these beings, creatures. I waited on the lake shore as time passes and the geography changed.

One day, I can remember these creatures. The creatures walked over me; I can’t tell whatever happened next. But that was the most exciting moment I experienced yet; coming in contact with the creatures.

The lake dried up, and the creatures died. None survived. I was alone again. I thought of Earth Mother often and of the sky and sea. I too thought of the dwellers and creatures.
The water came back and so did the life. Though Nothing came to me; He realized inanimate objects were forgetting they existed. Nothing reminded me, and gave me a new thought. He asked if the things I thought of thought of me. A vibration of Enlightenment echoed through me. I did begin to think if the creatures saw me like I saw them. Did they see me as just as exciting and important?

I had a sensation of isolation, and low spiritedness. I wanted, I finally wanted. I must know if they loved me like I loved them. I almost had my dreams come true but sadly the sky intervened. He sent his rocks from nothing to Earth and killed all the magnificent creatures.
I know this was not the first time a rock from sky hit our Earth. But this was the first time I witnessed it I saw the ash cover the sky and the creatures died.

Mother Earth was devastated, so much death. But she made life persistent. Smaller creatures survived. The oppressed were free to frolic and eat plentifully. Mother Earth made them the dominate species and guided them to higher intelligence. The souls shifted and went to light, to soothe the wounds of extinction.

I too felt this shift. I wanted to follow along, so I replaced my fear and superseded it with love. Nothing came and told me of All things’ cycle and his legendary love fable. He told me that being needed or wanted by the thing you love even if they don’t love you, maybe the closest you’ll ever get. Helping them maintain their beauty is all that matters. Even if they don’t admit if All things will think you matter.

I didn’t understand what he meant, but I know he never speaks without reason. So I’ll remember his word.

Since I last spoke with Nothing, no interesting events have happened; though the Earth was getting cold again. Big creatures were back again but still smaller than the predecessors.
I felt myself wore away just like when I was under the sea. But it was sensational. It was a hurt none could fix. My love was being wasted on no one. I felt unneeded, and unwanted. I feared All things did not think of me. But the dwellers returned.

They came to modify a species. Mother Earth told me one species finally reached the higher intellect. She didn’t tell me what would happen to them next. But many of the cells and life forms would die. All Earth Mother said it was time for her to go into a higher state.

I didn’t understand what this meant to me but it was important to Earth. The souls have had all their fun and wanted to leave for a final time; though it would be a while before this happens. Till then Earth gave her fate to the dwellers. I told Earth of my pain, she did nothing and left.
The dwellers left Earth. I was alone, and seething with solitude. I thought all time would run out. I thought I may not be loved.

Like Nothing before a being approached. One I never have seen like before. It was organic and feminine like a dweller. This magnificent creature was not a dweller. It was a girl. There came a girl to the frosted lake shore. I had no eyes but in my mind it was dawn. That early morn the girl took me and walked away.

I didn’t know what to feel. I was as curious as the Nameless One. The girl spoke to me. She said, “Hmm this is a pretty meaningless rock, not really fashionable. I doubt it will make fine jewelry.” I couldn’t tell if she was dissatisfied with me but for some reason all I cared about was what she thought of me, and what I mean to her.

If only there was another way to see how she felt. Could she be the one being to love me? Is she the one, I want to know so badly. She instead took another rock. At this moment I felt replaceable and worthless. I felt like just another rock; no different. Now I understand what she meant. I am not special to her.

But she is so remarkable to me. No one has ever spoken to me. No one has ever gotten this close.
I must let her know I love her. But I cannot speak. I can do nothing but seethe and internally wear away. “Please” I pray to All things, “let me be loved.” I am worthless she deserves far better but why me? Why would this glorious being need or at least want me?
The girl began to bang the two rocks together, sharpening softer one. I was thoughtless as the girl quickly eroded me. So fast that I was no longer smooth edged. I was deadly and the girl cut herself while sharpening me.

She dropped the other rock and held me. I wasn’t sure if I should feel again. Feeling things hurts and I never want to be replaceable again. She bound me to a long thick wooden stick with leather. I was attached.

I was no longer simply a rock. I was now what they called a spear. I still felt meaningless. The girl would often carry me around and leave me in a pile of equally worthless spears; though in my mind I was still the rock make of age old rage.

One upon a new time the girl grabbed me, made me a spear, and used me. I heard her speak “Damn my best spear is snapped,” another voice spoke “You should use that one; why haven’t you ever used it?” Then I felt something, the urge to know why all along I was wasted away. She clarified, “I forgot about that one. It’s new so it should work well."

I couldn’t believe it. The thing I remark most, that I occupy my every existing moment to, the woman who holds all my thoughts and controls my feelings, has yet to think of me. I am perplexed between two feelings, I’m unsure if I should be upset or happy that she at last thought of me.

I couldn’t bring myself to be upset with her. I know she is too important to care for me; I must be ugly, I must be worthless, and I must be too insignificant in fact Nothing! Now I understand Nothing’s story. Now I see why people inferiorize Nothing. I am nothing now.

If only I could remember Nothing’s words. What was it that he said? Sadly I can’t and I can only grieve. I think “I love you” repeatedly. “Please hear me, please understand…” I feel so hopeless. The woman takes me and leaves into the light. She holds me tightly in her hands and keeps me extended from her. Suddenly she projects me forward into the air. I cut through something. I hope it wasn’t her. It wasn’t, she spoke “Wow! Dead in one shot; this must be a lucky spear.” What does she mean? She’s probably yelling at my disappointments. “I’m going to use this spear forever.” What! I think there are no words for the feelings I feel now. Nothing can contain my love for her. I now remember Nothing’s words. If this is the closest I ever get to love, that’s all that matters now and forever. If I never am loved again it wouldn’t matter. What am I saying I want to be loved by her and her only.

No comments: